A Sea of Wants

These past couple of days I feel like I just keep getting hit by the fact that I am not a very patient person. Like knock the wind out of you realization. I'm incredibly impatient for the future to come, and now. And its more the major things in life that I'm impatient with, not the standing in a long line for something and whatnot; that I can handle. It's like the milestones in life that I want to happen now. Actually I want to reach a certain stage in my life and then slow down. But I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too. I'm not sure what I'm looking for though and I'm not sure if it can or will ever happen.

Being on break has allowed me more time to think and realize that, wow...just wow. Where has the time gone, and what happened? And do I really want to miss this time of my life? What's in store for me? Will I reach my north star? I just want to be able to stand in the middle of the country with nothing surrounding me, in the dead of night, and look at the stars and know that it finally happened.

...at least I think...

I get it, at least I think I do. I've known for awhile, at least I think I have. I don't know what to do or say, at least I don't think I know. I don't know what to do next...or do I? The next question is...what?

My favorite thing about the winter is the fireplace. Not so much the getting the firewood and bringing it into the house, but when all is said and done and the fire is going, I love it. Especially at night. Its soothing to turn off the lights and watch the shadows move across the room. When I get older I want to build a house with a fireplace in every room. Or at least close to every room. They add character to a house. Along with very large Christmas trees that don't fit, but it only comes one time a year so you have to get a memorable tree. The same saying goes for apple cider, we never have any at our house because we always drink it all. But fall only comes once a year so I have to consume as much apple cider that I would throughout the year, in the few short months that apples are in season. My next favorite part about winter is the first snow. Come February, I'm pretty much tired of winter, even though thats when all the snow comes. The only downfall of winter is chlorine. Not many people like going from extreme to extreme to extreme. Its cold outside, warm on the pool deck, freezing in the pool. And you smell like chlorine forever. The people who think it smells good are just crazy. I've decided that once high school is over, so is swimming. I really never want to get in a pool again. I'm sure I will but never at 5:30 in the morning every day. But its almost winter. Close to my favorite time of the year. And time to stop dawdling and get back to my homework):

No One Understands

I'm falling apart. And I don't know what to do about it. It's as plain as that. I have trouble sleeping, thinking, I'm constantly dizzy, my shaking's gotten worse, and I'm getting tremendous headaches. I feel I should be excited for this swim season, and I got a glimmer of that on Saturday, but it was gone in a flash. I rarely get nervous or scared now because it pulls to much energy from me. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm seeing the worst side of me and it's becoming a constant image instead of a passing glimpse. I don't know how to say how I feel. It's bad.

Hodgepodge of Feelings: Take 2

So at about 12:30 last night I had the urge to write so I sat down and typed out all that was literally going through my head and I thought it saved but apparently it didn't. Nothing, nada, not one word of it saved. Maybe it's a sign from God that no one was to really know what I was thinking. Who knows? I mean I spent about a half hour typing it all for nothing. But it was definetly an eye opener yesterday. And I owe it all to some truthfully honest , critical...I guess you could call them guys...with the way they act sometimes you'd think otherwise. Sometimes it 's nice to have people think before they speak and just lay everything out for you to see, it makes the realization come quicker.

Dancing

You ever felt like dancing? But I've always wondered if it's right or wrong because the Bible says both. I can't help the urge and it's not like it's hurting anyone. It's just a way of expressing my feelings. Because I only truely feel like dancing when I completely happy. And I do know that when your having a bad day a short dance party can momentarily make you forget.(; So whats the harm? I actually think people should dance more because we're all too uptight, myself included. Mr. Kendall told us that people who sing are happier because it relaxes part of the brain or something, but I actually think poeple who dance more are normaly more happier and energetic and stuff. Hmm???

Wow its been a long time.

Why???

Why, when you're having a perfectly good day, can one small little thing bring you down? From then on its like "whats the point for even starting out good when it's just gonna end bad?" Have you ever had a whole day where everything went good? I just want one day like that. But it always seems that there has to be one bad thing that happens to ruin it. Those days all I can say is why? Why me? Why now? Why here? Why this? Why God, why? That's all I want to know, why???

Love

Two of my favorite songs right now are love songs. About happy endings and true love. I've always wondered if I'm going to live long enough to find that, maybe I'll die tomorrow or God will come again before I have time to find it. Does that mean I should change the way I think and see things, and what if I meet someone who was the person for me, but I don't see it or feel the connection so I just shrug it away? I mean I don't expect to find that person in high school but a lot could happen in two years before I get out. I could get in an accident and be mentally disabled for the rest of my life. It would be God's plan for me, its just hard to think about and understand because I see, feel, and hear love everyday and I feel like I will miss out on something important if I don't find it. And I def. think that this is harder for girls just because of how we are created and that we think about this way more than guys do so we tend to worry about it more. We always want the perfect guy and a best friend for life but there's only one guy out there like that whose meant for you. I'm afraid I won't meet him till I'm too old to have children and I think I'll need a lot of support from someone those years right after college trying to find a job and a home somewhere. By the grace of God I am making it through this horrible year by the skin of my teeth. Though I would feel bad dragging someone into this with me because I barely have time for me. Just something I think about when I hear those songs, something I'll need more patience than I have to comprehend.

Happiness

So having spirit week right after a horrible weekend is really the way to go. Its hilarious to come to school and see everyones outfit and stuff. And when you participate its even better! Having people stare at you in the hallway and know that its because you look stupid and not because of some other reason makes me smile. It makes coming to school more enjoyable, thats for sure. I love to dress up funky like that...except when you have a class with all guys and one girl and they all laugh at you when you walk in the door and then make fun of you the whole 90 minutes, thats not cool. But its because they know they could never dress up like that and have the courage to walk down the hallway, and they're just jealous of my super-coolness and how I rock the different category each day. Honestly I'd say this is my favorite week of the whole school year.

A Praise

This is the first night that I haven't had to come home and do history homework in a long long long time, so it's pretty amazing. That is my praise of the day. I didn't even put my history book in my bag to take home so there's zero chance of me doing it at all, even if I might have time. It's a good thing too, seeing as I didn't get home from cross country practice until 6:05. Though my evening will be spent studying for my Puritan Lit. test in English tomorrow. Isn't it weird, the past two English tests I never studied for and aced them, no problem. But my two history tests in which I study for and what not, I fail miserably. Which resulted in me having my first legit. "C" in any class, ever in my life. Even Pre-Algebra with Mrs. Searcy was worse and I still managed an "A" in her class. I guess its always time for firsts though, it's what makes the world go round. That and the hilarious stories I get from Mr. Shaver's class everyday. He makes up for the grueling hour and a half I spend with Mr. Granger. I don't know what I'm going to do next semester when I don't have him as a teacher, I'll have to visit him everyday. It'll be a sad sad day, the day we come back after Christmas Break and 3rd block will roll around and I'll be going somewhere else. ):

Buttons

What's the point of coming to school later when I can't even sleep in. I mean, yes I can, but if I didn't, that would go on the list of some of the worst things I've ever done because then I would have missed out on that opportunity to do all that homework. And I'm sick and tired of people asking me why I took the AP classes. Well you know what, its because I'm smart and your dumb and lazy so stop asking!!! Its more lazy than dumb but you get the jist. I've just had about every button pushed today that shouldn't have been. And the worst thing is, I can't even run. I don't know why I try and tell people things because sometimes it just makes things worse. Grrrrr life. And the sad thing is, these aren't even major problems in my life, I think I'm just losing my patience with people and things...mainly people, but whatever, I'm just disappointed in myself right now.

If I Got a Dime Everytime I Did Something I Didn't Want To Do, I'd Be a Millionaire, Maybe Even a Billionaire.

I don't think I've ever been this tired in my life. After my meet today I came home and took a nap and my mom tried to wake me up but I was so exhausted I couldn't open my eyes. All I could do was moan and roll over. And it hurts to walk, Mr. Kendall thinks I strained something, I woke 7 minutes before I had to leave this morning to catch the bus (which was leaving at 6:25 so I didn't get much sleep and 2 nights ago I only got four hours of sleep and I could have used waaaay more last night to make up for the other night). Actually, theres like this dull throbbing pain in my leg right now. I just wish today would be over with because it started out bad and hasn't begun to get better. And I've decided that I'm a very sarcastic, negative person who complains a lot, especially when I'm running. I just want to go back to bed and sleep till tomorrow morning. ):

Changing Seasons

I'm sitting on the fence about the upcoming season. I'm mean, I love fall because the weather gets a little cooler and I like to wear jeans and sweatshirts, and I LOVE my letter jacket and wearing it at football games especially this year since I've finally got some patches to put on in. But then comes winter.and I know I'll miss summer, the warm nights where you can leave your window open and listen to the noises outside. And the days get shorter): I don't like getting up AND arriving back at home when its dark because thats pretty much how my day runs. And when swimming comes, I'm always inside and thats no fun. I've always told Mr. Shaver that if they did the smart thing and let the swim team design the new pool that ours would have a sweet action top that opens up like the Lucas Oil Stadium and it would also include heated toilet seats and floors and a glass bottom pool with an aquarium underneath. Haven't quite figured out how they would feed the fish and stuff but it would happen. And I can't forget the underwater sound system because it gets really boring sometimes when you have nothing to listen to but your own head. I've actually thought about what the whole nat. would look like during many many swim practices because I have had nothing else to think about. But I guarantee that it would probably be the best swimming pool in the United Sates because I've spent like the past 4 years of my life mapping out how it would look during all my swim practices. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the cold weather but I know about half way through swim season I'll miss the warm weather terribly and long for the warmer days the track season brings. I wish we could have fall and then about a two months of complete snow, not just stupid old cold weather but snow, and then go back to fall for a couple of months then to spring and then summer. Because I love snow but when the days are cold and dreary it makes me sad. Oh well, I just know that come January, I'll be wishing those June days back.

I think I've Got It

I think I've finally got it under control; this whole homework thing. Maybe this weekend was just an unusually homework free weekend, I don't know, but I feel less stressed about it. I've found the middle ground where I can get my homework done and not spend all night doing it and still have time to do other things. Maybe I've just made room for them and am caring less if I get my homework done or not, I don't know. But, maybe, just maybe, I've got it under control.

The Moments That I Cherish Most

The moments I cherish most are the moments right before sleep,
when the world is calm and quiet and you can finally feel at peace .
The moments when you win a race,
when you know that your best was finally enough and the thought of it brings chills to your body.
The moments when running is all you can do to fix the problem,
when the repeated beat of your feet hitting the ground is the only thing you want to hear.
The moments when the sun sets,
when you wonder how in the world such colors even existed.
The moments when the stars come out,
when you wonder why in the world watching them stopped being something you did for fun.
The moments when you spend time with people you love,
when those moments last you a lifetime and get you through the moments you wish to forget.
The moments when you know someone cares,
when you know because they took the time to even ask.
The moments when you get that look,
when that look is more than words could ever be.
The moment, the moment that you cherish forever,
when its something only you and God could and shall ever know.
These moments are the moments I cherish the most.

Wow

I feel the need to write a poem, but unfortuanely I don't have the time. Maybe I'll think up one tomorrow. To bad I don't have Granger tomorrow or I would totally write one up in his class but I've got an English test tomorrow, yikes! Though I may have to pause the studying to write one because I just feel the need to write one. I haven't written one in a looong time. ): But no more! I shall write a poem! Soon...maybe...

Days Long Gone

The nagging feeling inside is growing worse. Sometimes I feel like the people I pass in the hallway can see it and they turn away because they don't want to have to deal with my pain. Things that used to be aren't anymore and relationships that I dearly wanted to flourish have smoldered into a heap of cold coals. I see the pain on there face as I pass them in the hallway as well. The one moment that our eyes may meet I can see the old person I used to know. Though we may say "hey" and be on our way, behind it we both know what used to be and is no longer. The sad thing is I don't even know how things turned out the way they did. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around, isn't the guy not supposed to know what happened while the girl knows but won't tell? Truth is I don't know if he even knows, but he should because he's the reason things are the way they are. I remember every detail, and every conversation. And the thing is, I didn't want to be more than friends, and I don't think he did either, so why things are the way they are is a mystery. Some things people could just pull out of you, and he had that effect on me. I just wish things could be as they were, and yet as they are now. If only the two could mix, but in a way, my life is much simpler now without that person in my life. In a way, I guess God answered my prayer, but this is not the way I expected it to be answered. Though this is only a small sliver of my nagging, its still there, and when will it be gone?

A Drive

Recently I've been in the mood to just go and drive. I don't care where to, I just want me in the car driving away from this place. This impulse usually comes at about 9 to 9:30 at night when I'm about half way through my homework and the though that I still have a couple hours left of it. I really just want to sit and sing and listen to the music without anyone around to bother me. It would also give my head a chance to clear and me to forget my worries and cares. I don't care that the gas prices are high, its just something I feel I need to do. Especially when its nice out like tonight and you can have all the windows down and it be a comfortable temperature. I feel like it would also be a great time to talk to God openly and out loud about all thats bothering me. There's just been this longing and nagging inside of me and I really need peace in my heart right now. I feel like my heart is constantly racing and I don't even know whats bothering me. And something inside of me is also telling me a drive could cure whats ailing me. Maybe even if I could just find some place to park the car and sit and watch the sun set. It was amazingly beautiful tonight and I have been caught up in homework for so long that I have missed seeing it in the evening.

Just a drive, that's all I ask, even thought I 99% sure that my wish will not be granted, I shall still look out the dining room window as I sit and do my homework, and wish that every car going down the road was me.

Me

You never appreciate the little things that you do for yourself until they're stripped away from you. I've decided that Fridays are going to be "me" days I don't think about homework or school. These past couple of weeks have been murderous. I feel like I don't have a chance to sit down and say, "Hannah, what would you LIKE to do?" not the constant, "Hannah what do you HAVE to do?" I've forgotten how enjoyable life can be when homework isn't tagging along like an unwanted younger brother or sister. You don't know how to get rid of them and they just annoy you until you can't stand it any longer and you just want to explode. So, enjoy life, because it may not be there tomorrow.

Kids

You know what makes me really sad? That on such a wonderful evening I have homework thats going to take me like 3 or 4 hours to do, which would be ok if I could come home right after school and started working on it but I have cross country practice and then I have to come home and eat and shower, and then do all the little things that my mom wants me to do. Half of the homework I have doesn't even help me, they just make us do it. Don't you think I would learn more if I was able to sit outside and listen as nature talks to me? Or, usually on Wednesdays I babysit kids at church and learn all about what happened to them during the day, what made them sad, happy, frightened, excited? Don't you also think it would help me become a better mother by being able to interact with children while I'm still at a young age? I do get some interaction with children but since I was the baby in the family and I never really had time to babysit, I haven't had as much time as I think I should. I think babysitting those kids is sometimes harder than schoolwork too. I also love those special moments when one of them reaches for your hand, or gives you a hug, sits on your lap and falls asleep, or even just that little smile you see that almost constantly appears upon their face. Especially those moments when they hurt themselves and come to you because they know you can help them and will care for them. Even the fact that they feel safe under your care because they know that you can protect them makes me feel amazing. Don't you think that would help me more than just reading a poem about a mother and her children (which in fact is something I have to read tonight), its actual hands-on, real-life experiences. Just to sit on the swing with the cool breeze and the sun setting in the back-round as you watch the kids run around and play, will change my life more than homework ever has or will.

90 Minutes of Carefree Relaxation

I love bus rides home from meets, especially on nights like this.

Music

Music is my life. Not literally, but it's def. a big part of me. One of my favorite possessions is my iPod. It pretty much goes wherever I go. Listening to music helps me think about life and relax. In very much the same way that playing the piano does, but when I have my iPod I can do things and go places that I can't do when I sit at my piano. Music brings back memories, some I wish to relish in and others that I don't care to remember. Different songs belong to different seasons of my life. I listen to different music depending on what mood I'm in. Sometimes, things can only be explained through music, I think this is one of those moment.

Family Reunions

I'm kind of sad that I'm missing my family reunion this weekend because I haven't been in a long time because I'm always busy. And this year is no different. I feel it is best for me to stay home and sleep; clean my, pretty much tornado destroyed, bedroom; and do the mound of homework that has accumulated in the past four days. It'll be a little sad being at home alone especially when everyone will be having fun w/o me. This place has a pool, and and a lake you can canoe on, bow and arrow area and I haven't done that in forever!, sweet action tether ball area as well, and I just now everyone will be having fun w/o me while I'm stuck at home doing boring old homework): School sucks!!

Yum...Food

I think my favorite part about sports is all the food I get to eat. Eating is probably one of my favorite moments during the day. I mean, I eat a lot anyway, but during the school year when I have sports, I have a good reason to be eating so much. Especially good home-cooked meals where its healthy for me so I can eat even more!! Isn't that kind of sad, when the only thing I look forward to is eating? My least favorite moment is when I wake up in the morning and wish that it could be a couple hours ago when I was just going to bed, those moments I dread. But then I get to go eat breakfast so it all works out. You know what I'm thinking about right now? Going to get something more to eat. Go figure.

Ugh...School

I'm really upset right now with the person who decided to make school so long and boring and obnoxious. I'd much rather do everything at home by myself and just go in for the classes that I can't do at home, like my CAD class. Everything else I could learn by myself and probably better too because I wouldn't be so gosh darn tired all the time.

Thats it, thats all I feel like saying at the moment.

Last 24 Hours of Summer/Freedom

My last 24 hours before school begins and what do I spend it doing?! Homework, biking for cc, and stressing. Sometimes my life makes me sad. You think I'd be excited to go back to school but I'm not. Half the people there I really don't want to see and the people I do want see I see, or at least talk to, during the summer so I don't get a chance to really miss them. I'm not going to miss the getting up at 6 in the morning; only getting 6 minutes to rush though overcrowded hallways to try to get to my locker, the bathroom, and then be in my class before the bell rings; the lunchroom that doesn't really smell nice so I lose my appetite as soon as I walk by it; and then being tired all the time. I really hate getting up at 6, its just not a good hour, 7 in the morning is way better I think so if they could make school start at 9:15 instead of 8:15, that would really make me very happy. And the one day of school I dread most is the first because I hate the chaos and craziness of it all. And when you have like 400 more students in the school than you're supposed to, it doesn't help. Next year, the day before school starts, I want to do something fun, not ap homework AND it will be my senior year so I'll just want to get it over with as soon as possible. "Two more years," I say, "just two more years."

The "Unless" Finally Happened.

I'm super siked for tomorrow because the cross country team is really going to go rafting! I've never been before so I hope it's a blast! Mr. Kendall kept telling us we weren't going to go because at first, there wasn't enough rain, and then there was too much rain but we are! Yippy! THIS practice will definetly go as the best practice I'll ever have in any sport ever again in my whole life, unless I break my leg, but I'm praying that won't happen. This is freaken amazing! Ahhh, btw, what do you wear when you go rafting?? The best part is at the end of the letter he said we were going to decide if we were going to go run or go home!! Umm...I do believe my vote will be to go home, because if we do go run than I'll get home at 5 and I have to be at the church at 6 so...that would be rushing things just a bit. YAY! I can't wait for tomorrow!

Opps!

I forgot to post yesterday but it was just too hectic for me to even have time to blog. It was also a bad day so if I had remembered to, I probably wouldn't have been in the mood to so...this is my post for yesterday.

Top of the List

Compared to yesterday, today is waaaay better.(: Our cross country practice that lasted 7 1/2 hours really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Last year it was terrible, we did like 5 or 6 miles in the morning and then played cross country football, which is amazing, but also very tiring, and then, in the heat of the day, we ran 3 mile repeats, which pretty much suck. (Btw, a very creepy man just came to the door an it was really akward!!!!!) BUT, this year we did 2 mile repeats and we did them first thing, so I wasn't tired and it wasn't extremely hot!!!!! And we didn't have to run 5 miles, we got to walk it!!!!! And then we played football and went swimming and we were done!!!!! This could go close to the top of my list of best cross country practices ever. I'd been having a couple bad days so to finally have a good one really boosted me. Hopefully things will come together so life will be less chaotic than it has been, and what I expect it to be this year. And w/o the help of all of my sisters I'd still be freaken out about everything.

Why?

Some moments I really do not like my life. For example, earlier this evening doing stupid bear crawls and wheel barrows up some crazy hill after running in the scorching heat for 45 minutes. Or peeling of stupid wall paper that doesn't want to budge or putting up siding or roofing a house. And unfortunately those moments come up a lot in my life. Also staying up till 3 in the morning to do homework for stuff I don't even care about really makes me irritated. I feel very much like life is passing me by and I don't have the time to enjoy it. I'll never have these days back and never have the chance to go back and redo. When I look back on my youth it will be memories of regrets, and I don't want that to happen. But there's not much I can do about it so I'll just take what I get and not throw a fit I guess.

Whatever...

I'm really tired and have nothing to blog about today, sorry ):

What a Beautiful Day

You would think since God created this wonderful world that we would spend soooo much more time outside enjoying it than staying inside watching T.V. or even writing blogs! How hard is it to shut off the T.V., log off the computer, and just go outside. Take a nap outside in the shade. Its Amazing! Go for a walk, a run, a stroll, just go outside. The air is cleaner and the breeze is very calm and soothing. And when it's a beautiful day like today, you can't help but have a great day. Just find a shady spot, lay your blanket down, and admire the trees (if there are some around you), or watch the clouds roll by and guess what they look like. Nature is calling you to admire its wondrous beauty.

A Day in the Life of Hannah

I was supposed to go running this morning but unfortunately the person I was to go running with didn't feel well so I got to sleep in "un poco" today. Which, is a good thing because I slept through my alarm once again, AND my father waking me up when he left, to which I vaguely remember happening. And since I almost had a heart attack, AGAIN, when I woke up and realized that she was probably waiting outside for me, but to find that she was sick was a blessing to my while a pain to her. I was finally awakened by my sister coming in and chatting with me for a few minutes and than I immediately fell back asleep to be awakened only 15 minutes later by the lovely Amy, who my sister has been babysitting this past week. She came bearing me my breakfast in bed (the reason why she is so lovely [: ), a mango/strawberry smoothie which practically made my day. Anyway we were off to the Art Museum today and I hadn't been since an elementary school field trip so I was pretty excited.

For lunch we had a wonderful picnic in front of the Lily House with a lovely view of the fountain. Its fun to imagine people strolling around the gardens a long time ago, arriving to the house in their horse and carriage. And to picture children running and playing and making memories right where I sat. What if I had been one of them? Is one of the many questions that ran through my head.

Since I had been to the museum a long time ago and was of an age where I didn't retain much information about the things I didn't really care about, (A.K.A. art but things have changed for me since then), I didn't remember much. I did remember one certain artwork, the famous hole in the wall "painting," and it was still there, much to my excitement. We spent the afternoon strolled around reading and staring at the artwork. Again, its also fun to think about what if I was the girl painted in the picture or what if I lived back when Monet was alive and passed him on the street one day? How different my life would be? My thoughts, my actions, me in general? I also like to put myself in the mindset of the artist. What was he thinking when he painted this, was he mad, angry, confused, happy, sad, concerned? My favorites were the nature scenes but I especially love T.C. Steele, an artist from our very own state of Indiana! But all time favorite artist would have to be Norman Rockwell, such an amazing artist!

When we were done we went back to our house so we could pick up a few things before we went over to the house my sister was house sitting where a pool sat awaiting to be played in by Amy. Due to some unfortunate pieces of string in my leg I was unable to enjoy the water, but had to sit in the smoldering heat for a few hours and sweat off my entire body weight, yes I know its gross but it was even worse because I had to endure it.

The highlight of my day was when I came home and my neighbor called me and told me she found our kittens! We haven't had kittens in a very long time and I really missed having them. But their mother hadn't even glanced at them since we moved them over to our house so I was wondering if she was going to take care of them anymore. I spent some time out there with them so they would get used to humans and like me when they grew up. It also makes it easier to get rid of them because no one wants a cat who doesn't like people. (;

The rest of my day was spent relaxing and pretty much doing nothing which is perfectly alright with me because I'm really tired. And that feeling will not go away for a very long time because I have overbooked my life. I envy my parents who had carefree summers and hardly no homework during the school year. But those days are long gone and am looking forward to the day I retire and travel the rest of my life away. Where has the fun all gone? Who knows, but it will be a long time before it comes back.

Chills

There's nothing better than waking up early in the morning, throwing on some clothes, not worrying about what you look like, and going running. When you're done and its only 8:30/9 o'clock and you know that most people haven't even woke up yet and you've gone 5 miles it makes it all worth it. Though you may feel like complete death those last couple of minutes, when you finish there's some amazingly pure feeling you receive. It's such a positive action, to think you just made yourself physically, mentally, and (in some cases if you're like me and think about stuff while you run) spiritually stronger. You experience so many sites and things most people will never see, and those memories, those sites, sounds, and even smells will be with you forever. You sweat out a bunch of gross stuff and now you get to come home and wash it all off. You're skin takes on this healthy glow that only few things in life can give you. And on those days, those special days that come about once a year, when you go out and you actually want to run. When you think you're feet could take you to the end of the world, those are the days you will live for. Personally those have only happened 3 or 4 times in my life but I am so thankful that I run everyday, even when I hate the thought of lacing up my shoes and setting a foot out my front door. Those moments that I get then, are the moments that give me chills, make me think that I could conquer the world and do whatever God has in store for me. Those are the moments, the days, that I dream about, when I actually do something I want to do and enjoy it wholeheartedly. That, that is why I run.

Nothing? Anything?

What do you do when you can't express the things you want to say? Do you just not worry about it and let life take you where it will? Do you lock it up inside to never be heard? I understand that letting it out someway or another will make you feel better but when you have so much to say, what do you do? How? When? Where? When your mind starts racing a thousand different directions and all you can do is stand there? You feel like your being pulled apart and you don't know which way to run? Will yelling help? Do you think you could cover it up with another though? When you are completely and utterly speechless? Your world feels empty and boring? Its decaying from within you? Why you? Why me? Why now? Why this?

When this happens to me, I know God and I are going to have a very long talk. About what you say? Everything. Nothing will be left out. Every corner swept clean and every muddy spot washed away. Most of the time this happens almost everyday. So many questions and I can't even begin to make sense of them all. But...what do I know...I'm just at a loss for words.

Unexpected

My mom always said, "A trip to the hospital is not in the schedule." Well, yesterday it was. I've only been to the hospital, for me personally, once before and that was some 16 years ago when I was born, so going there was very foreign to me. Considering how active I am and what sports I do, you'd think it would be a annual event, but fortunately God granted me the wonderful gift of NOT being accident prone. Through the people I called to tell them about this unfortunate happening I received a wide variety of comments from "Ouch, I'm sorry," to "Can you sue anybody?" Which gave me the warm feeling of being cared for by many people.

It was a minor accident really. Something I would have never gone to the hospital for without the prodding of a few friends and then my mom coming home and giving the final say of "Yup, you're gonna need stitches." Anyway, I was working with my dad and sister at a rental house we've been fixing up (the same one I spent days painting) and the first day we were there a good sized mirror hung in the dining room. We were just going to leave it there, but it didn't have the same idea. While I was outside, and my two sisters were in other rooms no where near the mirror, it suddenly fell from the wall and shattered into many pieces. So we called our dad and he told us to find and empty box and stick the larger pieces in it and vacuum up the rest. When all was said and done we stuck the box outside so no one would run into it.

Once again the mirror didn't like that idea and somehow ended back inside the house, in a corner with the rest of the trash. Nothing was thought of the box until yesterday when I was told that all the trash was needed to go outside for the trash man to come pick up. I told my dad that I was not about to pick up the box that held the broken mirror, and that that was a job for him. He agreed and I began the process of taking out the trash. Being me I always play this game with myself to try to get everything out in one load so I began grabbing things and pilling them in my arms. When I figured I had as much as I could, I couldn't see anything in front of me and just to cut to the chase, I walked right into the box, into a large piece of broken mirror.

It didn't hurt at all, not even when I cleaned it out with peroxide and alcohol, so that was the main reason why I didn't think it was that bad. My dad wouldn't look at it because he hates blood and wounds like this, so thankfully my sister helped me squish the gash together so I could put a band-aid on it. Never having hurt myself this badly before I thought it looked kinda cool, but I couldn't get anyone else to agree with me.

Well, when we finally got to the hospital some 6 hours after "the accident," and they took the band-aid off to look at it, the skin around the gash was beginning to turn blue and die so then I decided it was probably a good thing that we went to the E.R. As I sat there, for a long time, I was looking at the people around me and wondering what issues they were having that caused them to come here was well. They looked normal, they acted normal, none of them had bandages on their arms or legs like I did so it was hard to tell why they were there. They laughed and talked like there wasn't a care in the world. I took that as a good sign because that meant less people were seriously hurt. When I was finally called back to a room, we figured it would be another long wait so we turned on the T.V. and flipped through the channels until we found Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I began to think that some of the people in this hospital were waiting to find their "golden ticket", the good news that they are cured or can finally go home. Again I thanked the Lord that I had my own special "golden ticket," a ticket into Heaven and that if something terrible had really happened that day, that I would be O.K.

When the Resident Assistant finally came in to sew me up he said that I would only need 3 or 4 stitches so that solidified my idea of not getting shots to numb my leg up. It didn't really hurt and I knew I had a high tolerance of pain so I just told him to go ahead. The way I see it, people a long time ago didn't have shots to numb them, and in fact, with accidents like these they probably wouldn't even get stitches so he just went ahead.

Its an odd feeling to see a huge needle being pushed through your leg, in and out, in and out and watching the string pull the edges of my skin back together. It didn't really hurt, but what pain I did feel I figured was punishment for not watching where I was going. So as a conclusion and the moral of my story, watch where you're going or you might run into something quite unexpected.

Painting

I've been painting a house for awhile and when you paint it gives you a tremendous amount of time to think. I noticed that painting can be very similar to life. Most people paint to cover up scuff marks or they feel like a change. The old paint goes away and a bright new color goes up. Yet the old color still lingers in your mind. You can remember what it looks like and where most of the marks were, but to everybody else, it looks brand new. In life it can be somewhat the same, something happens to you that you don't like or wish to think about and you build a brick wall around yourself or paint over those things so you look brand new. Nobody can see it on the outside, but to you, you remember everything like it was the day it happened.

Every time something happens a new coat goes up, until coat after coat and layer after layer build up and there is nothing else you can do to make it look better again. Sometimes things get gouge marks and you need to replace them but the rest of you is still hurting. When that happens in painting, you can scrape away the layers of paint until you're back to the drywall you first started out with. You maybe even take the wall down and rebuild it. But who is there to pick at the painting that encompasses us, who is there to tear it down until the real us shows through again?

God is.

Sometimes He sends others who come and break through the wall and help us chip away at the hurt and pain. Its an amazing feeling to see it crumble to the ground before our very eyes. Sometimes He, The Painter, comes and destroys our old self and builds us new. Whatever it may be, you can be sure He is there, starting that tearing down process, so you may be brand new once again.

Changing Lifestyles

Apparently its time for a lifestyle change so the first step toward my new life was creating this site. Honestly I extremely dislike computers so creating this was a big step for me, and my dislike for computers is the basis for my change. With what the world is becoming I won't be able to survive if I don't learn to like them and understand them soon.

But an even bigger step will be to see if I can keep up with writing a blog everyday, lets just call it a mid-year resolution. And we all know how long those last...

I'll try to make it interesting but with school, sports, and work dominating my life I don't have much time for anything or anyone so you can imagine the excitement I receive during a normal day. So enjoy!