Days Long Gone

The nagging feeling inside is growing worse. Sometimes I feel like the people I pass in the hallway can see it and they turn away because they don't want to have to deal with my pain. Things that used to be aren't anymore and relationships that I dearly wanted to flourish have smoldered into a heap of cold coals. I see the pain on there face as I pass them in the hallway as well. The one moment that our eyes may meet I can see the old person I used to know. Though we may say "hey" and be on our way, behind it we both know what used to be and is no longer. The sad thing is I don't even know how things turned out the way they did. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around, isn't the guy not supposed to know what happened while the girl knows but won't tell? Truth is I don't know if he even knows, but he should because he's the reason things are the way they are. I remember every detail, and every conversation. And the thing is, I didn't want to be more than friends, and I don't think he did either, so why things are the way they are is a mystery. Some things people could just pull out of you, and he had that effect on me. I just wish things could be as they were, and yet as they are now. If only the two could mix, but in a way, my life is much simpler now without that person in my life. In a way, I guess God answered my prayer, but this is not the way I expected it to be answered. Though this is only a small sliver of my nagging, its still there, and when will it be gone?

A Drive

Recently I've been in the mood to just go and drive. I don't care where to, I just want me in the car driving away from this place. This impulse usually comes at about 9 to 9:30 at night when I'm about half way through my homework and the though that I still have a couple hours left of it. I really just want to sit and sing and listen to the music without anyone around to bother me. It would also give my head a chance to clear and me to forget my worries and cares. I don't care that the gas prices are high, its just something I feel I need to do. Especially when its nice out like tonight and you can have all the windows down and it be a comfortable temperature. I feel like it would also be a great time to talk to God openly and out loud about all thats bothering me. There's just been this longing and nagging inside of me and I really need peace in my heart right now. I feel like my heart is constantly racing and I don't even know whats bothering me. And something inside of me is also telling me a drive could cure whats ailing me. Maybe even if I could just find some place to park the car and sit and watch the sun set. It was amazingly beautiful tonight and I have been caught up in homework for so long that I have missed seeing it in the evening.

Just a drive, that's all I ask, even thought I 99% sure that my wish will not be granted, I shall still look out the dining room window as I sit and do my homework, and wish that every car going down the road was me.

Me

You never appreciate the little things that you do for yourself until they're stripped away from you. I've decided that Fridays are going to be "me" days I don't think about homework or school. These past couple of weeks have been murderous. I feel like I don't have a chance to sit down and say, "Hannah, what would you LIKE to do?" not the constant, "Hannah what do you HAVE to do?" I've forgotten how enjoyable life can be when homework isn't tagging along like an unwanted younger brother or sister. You don't know how to get rid of them and they just annoy you until you can't stand it any longer and you just want to explode. So, enjoy life, because it may not be there tomorrow.

Kids

You know what makes me really sad? That on such a wonderful evening I have homework thats going to take me like 3 or 4 hours to do, which would be ok if I could come home right after school and started working on it but I have cross country practice and then I have to come home and eat and shower, and then do all the little things that my mom wants me to do. Half of the homework I have doesn't even help me, they just make us do it. Don't you think I would learn more if I was able to sit outside and listen as nature talks to me? Or, usually on Wednesdays I babysit kids at church and learn all about what happened to them during the day, what made them sad, happy, frightened, excited? Don't you also think it would help me become a better mother by being able to interact with children while I'm still at a young age? I do get some interaction with children but since I was the baby in the family and I never really had time to babysit, I haven't had as much time as I think I should. I think babysitting those kids is sometimes harder than schoolwork too. I also love those special moments when one of them reaches for your hand, or gives you a hug, sits on your lap and falls asleep, or even just that little smile you see that almost constantly appears upon their face. Especially those moments when they hurt themselves and come to you because they know you can help them and will care for them. Even the fact that they feel safe under your care because they know that you can protect them makes me feel amazing. Don't you think that would help me more than just reading a poem about a mother and her children (which in fact is something I have to read tonight), its actual hands-on, real-life experiences. Just to sit on the swing with the cool breeze and the sun setting in the back-round as you watch the kids run around and play, will change my life more than homework ever has or will.

90 Minutes of Carefree Relaxation

I love bus rides home from meets, especially on nights like this.

Music

Music is my life. Not literally, but it's def. a big part of me. One of my favorite possessions is my iPod. It pretty much goes wherever I go. Listening to music helps me think about life and relax. In very much the same way that playing the piano does, but when I have my iPod I can do things and go places that I can't do when I sit at my piano. Music brings back memories, some I wish to relish in and others that I don't care to remember. Different songs belong to different seasons of my life. I listen to different music depending on what mood I'm in. Sometimes, things can only be explained through music, I think this is one of those moment.

Family Reunions

I'm kind of sad that I'm missing my family reunion this weekend because I haven't been in a long time because I'm always busy. And this year is no different. I feel it is best for me to stay home and sleep; clean my, pretty much tornado destroyed, bedroom; and do the mound of homework that has accumulated in the past four days. It'll be a little sad being at home alone especially when everyone will be having fun w/o me. This place has a pool, and and a lake you can canoe on, bow and arrow area and I haven't done that in forever!, sweet action tether ball area as well, and I just now everyone will be having fun w/o me while I'm stuck at home doing boring old homework): School sucks!!

Yum...Food

I think my favorite part about sports is all the food I get to eat. Eating is probably one of my favorite moments during the day. I mean, I eat a lot anyway, but during the school year when I have sports, I have a good reason to be eating so much. Especially good home-cooked meals where its healthy for me so I can eat even more!! Isn't that kind of sad, when the only thing I look forward to is eating? My least favorite moment is when I wake up in the morning and wish that it could be a couple hours ago when I was just going to bed, those moments I dread. But then I get to go eat breakfast so it all works out. You know what I'm thinking about right now? Going to get something more to eat. Go figure.

Ugh...School

I'm really upset right now with the person who decided to make school so long and boring and obnoxious. I'd much rather do everything at home by myself and just go in for the classes that I can't do at home, like my CAD class. Everything else I could learn by myself and probably better too because I wouldn't be so gosh darn tired all the time.

Thats it, thats all I feel like saying at the moment.

Last 24 Hours of Summer/Freedom

My last 24 hours before school begins and what do I spend it doing?! Homework, biking for cc, and stressing. Sometimes my life makes me sad. You think I'd be excited to go back to school but I'm not. Half the people there I really don't want to see and the people I do want see I see, or at least talk to, during the summer so I don't get a chance to really miss them. I'm not going to miss the getting up at 6 in the morning; only getting 6 minutes to rush though overcrowded hallways to try to get to my locker, the bathroom, and then be in my class before the bell rings; the lunchroom that doesn't really smell nice so I lose my appetite as soon as I walk by it; and then being tired all the time. I really hate getting up at 6, its just not a good hour, 7 in the morning is way better I think so if they could make school start at 9:15 instead of 8:15, that would really make me very happy. And the one day of school I dread most is the first because I hate the chaos and craziness of it all. And when you have like 400 more students in the school than you're supposed to, it doesn't help. Next year, the day before school starts, I want to do something fun, not ap homework AND it will be my senior year so I'll just want to get it over with as soon as possible. "Two more years," I say, "just two more years."

The "Unless" Finally Happened.

I'm super siked for tomorrow because the cross country team is really going to go rafting! I've never been before so I hope it's a blast! Mr. Kendall kept telling us we weren't going to go because at first, there wasn't enough rain, and then there was too much rain but we are! Yippy! THIS practice will definetly go as the best practice I'll ever have in any sport ever again in my whole life, unless I break my leg, but I'm praying that won't happen. This is freaken amazing! Ahhh, btw, what do you wear when you go rafting?? The best part is at the end of the letter he said we were going to decide if we were going to go run or go home!! Umm...I do believe my vote will be to go home, because if we do go run than I'll get home at 5 and I have to be at the church at 6 so...that would be rushing things just a bit. YAY! I can't wait for tomorrow!

Opps!

I forgot to post yesterday but it was just too hectic for me to even have time to blog. It was also a bad day so if I had remembered to, I probably wouldn't have been in the mood to so...this is my post for yesterday.

Top of the List

Compared to yesterday, today is waaaay better.(: Our cross country practice that lasted 7 1/2 hours really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Last year it was terrible, we did like 5 or 6 miles in the morning and then played cross country football, which is amazing, but also very tiring, and then, in the heat of the day, we ran 3 mile repeats, which pretty much suck. (Btw, a very creepy man just came to the door an it was really akward!!!!!) BUT, this year we did 2 mile repeats and we did them first thing, so I wasn't tired and it wasn't extremely hot!!!!! And we didn't have to run 5 miles, we got to walk it!!!!! And then we played football and went swimming and we were done!!!!! This could go close to the top of my list of best cross country practices ever. I'd been having a couple bad days so to finally have a good one really boosted me. Hopefully things will come together so life will be less chaotic than it has been, and what I expect it to be this year. And w/o the help of all of my sisters I'd still be freaken out about everything.

Why?

Some moments I really do not like my life. For example, earlier this evening doing stupid bear crawls and wheel barrows up some crazy hill after running in the scorching heat for 45 minutes. Or peeling of stupid wall paper that doesn't want to budge or putting up siding or roofing a house. And unfortunately those moments come up a lot in my life. Also staying up till 3 in the morning to do homework for stuff I don't even care about really makes me irritated. I feel very much like life is passing me by and I don't have the time to enjoy it. I'll never have these days back and never have the chance to go back and redo. When I look back on my youth it will be memories of regrets, and I don't want that to happen. But there's not much I can do about it so I'll just take what I get and not throw a fit I guess.

Whatever...

I'm really tired and have nothing to blog about today, sorry ):

What a Beautiful Day

You would think since God created this wonderful world that we would spend soooo much more time outside enjoying it than staying inside watching T.V. or even writing blogs! How hard is it to shut off the T.V., log off the computer, and just go outside. Take a nap outside in the shade. Its Amazing! Go for a walk, a run, a stroll, just go outside. The air is cleaner and the breeze is very calm and soothing. And when it's a beautiful day like today, you can't help but have a great day. Just find a shady spot, lay your blanket down, and admire the trees (if there are some around you), or watch the clouds roll by and guess what they look like. Nature is calling you to admire its wondrous beauty.

A Day in the Life of Hannah

I was supposed to go running this morning but unfortunately the person I was to go running with didn't feel well so I got to sleep in "un poco" today. Which, is a good thing because I slept through my alarm once again, AND my father waking me up when he left, to which I vaguely remember happening. And since I almost had a heart attack, AGAIN, when I woke up and realized that she was probably waiting outside for me, but to find that she was sick was a blessing to my while a pain to her. I was finally awakened by my sister coming in and chatting with me for a few minutes and than I immediately fell back asleep to be awakened only 15 minutes later by the lovely Amy, who my sister has been babysitting this past week. She came bearing me my breakfast in bed (the reason why she is so lovely [: ), a mango/strawberry smoothie which practically made my day. Anyway we were off to the Art Museum today and I hadn't been since an elementary school field trip so I was pretty excited.

For lunch we had a wonderful picnic in front of the Lily House with a lovely view of the fountain. Its fun to imagine people strolling around the gardens a long time ago, arriving to the house in their horse and carriage. And to picture children running and playing and making memories right where I sat. What if I had been one of them? Is one of the many questions that ran through my head.

Since I had been to the museum a long time ago and was of an age where I didn't retain much information about the things I didn't really care about, (A.K.A. art but things have changed for me since then), I didn't remember much. I did remember one certain artwork, the famous hole in the wall "painting," and it was still there, much to my excitement. We spent the afternoon strolled around reading and staring at the artwork. Again, its also fun to think about what if I was the girl painted in the picture or what if I lived back when Monet was alive and passed him on the street one day? How different my life would be? My thoughts, my actions, me in general? I also like to put myself in the mindset of the artist. What was he thinking when he painted this, was he mad, angry, confused, happy, sad, concerned? My favorites were the nature scenes but I especially love T.C. Steele, an artist from our very own state of Indiana! But all time favorite artist would have to be Norman Rockwell, such an amazing artist!

When we were done we went back to our house so we could pick up a few things before we went over to the house my sister was house sitting where a pool sat awaiting to be played in by Amy. Due to some unfortunate pieces of string in my leg I was unable to enjoy the water, but had to sit in the smoldering heat for a few hours and sweat off my entire body weight, yes I know its gross but it was even worse because I had to endure it.

The highlight of my day was when I came home and my neighbor called me and told me she found our kittens! We haven't had kittens in a very long time and I really missed having them. But their mother hadn't even glanced at them since we moved them over to our house so I was wondering if she was going to take care of them anymore. I spent some time out there with them so they would get used to humans and like me when they grew up. It also makes it easier to get rid of them because no one wants a cat who doesn't like people. (;

The rest of my day was spent relaxing and pretty much doing nothing which is perfectly alright with me because I'm really tired. And that feeling will not go away for a very long time because I have overbooked my life. I envy my parents who had carefree summers and hardly no homework during the school year. But those days are long gone and am looking forward to the day I retire and travel the rest of my life away. Where has the fun all gone? Who knows, but it will be a long time before it comes back.