Tracks in the Snow

I love snow. It's so perfect and white, it shines and sparkles in the sun, and it covers the ground in a wonderful, angelic blanket. It covers the impurities and imperfections of this world, creating a world only seen by the truly lucky. I can't imagine a winter without being graced by the fluffy snowflakes that fall and "lay on my nose and eyelashes." As much as I know that I would get severe frostbite, snow gives me the biggest urge to just lay in it and watch it fall from the sky. I almost hate letting my dog outside because she gallivants around the yard, making tracks in the smooth landscape. But I cannot deny someone that excitement, not even a dog. Her eyes gleam in a youthful manner as they did all the time when she was a puppy. It gives me hope that she will never grow old and leave me.

High Expectations

I think I look at the good side of things too much. I get my hopes up too much. I thought that this semester was going to be easier...I hoped and prayed it was. Unfortunately things are not looking up. Two days in and I'm already tired, even though I'm being pumped full of supplements that are supposed to give me more energy and make me more awake. Exhaustion, bone-tired, physically shot-those all have new meanings to me. It's two days in!! I lack a certain will to push forward. People always joke that sleeping and eating are some of the things they always do, like a hobby. Not sleeping is my new hobby; number one on my list. What happened to hobbies being something you enjoyed? I think that concept has been thrown out the window and blown away by the wind. Why am I such an overachiever, why couldn't I be a mediocre student, less than average. Lazy, the real me, the one hiding deep inside, is the laziest creature you'll ever see. That's who I want to be.

A Sea of Wants

These past couple of days I feel like I just keep getting hit by the fact that I am not a very patient person. Like knock the wind out of you realization. I'm incredibly impatient for the future to come, and now. And its more the major things in life that I'm impatient with, not the standing in a long line for something and whatnot; that I can handle. It's like the milestones in life that I want to happen now. Actually I want to reach a certain stage in my life and then slow down. But I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too. I'm not sure what I'm looking for though and I'm not sure if it can or will ever happen.

Being on break has allowed me more time to think and realize that, wow...just wow. Where has the time gone, and what happened? And do I really want to miss this time of my life? What's in store for me? Will I reach my north star? I just want to be able to stand in the middle of the country with nothing surrounding me, in the dead of night, and look at the stars and know that it finally happened.

...at least I think...

I get it, at least I think I do. I've known for awhile, at least I think I have. I don't know what to do or say, at least I don't think I know. I don't know what to do next...or do I? The next question is...what?

My favorite thing about the winter is the fireplace. Not so much the getting the firewood and bringing it into the house, but when all is said and done and the fire is going, I love it. Especially at night. Its soothing to turn off the lights and watch the shadows move across the room. When I get older I want to build a house with a fireplace in every room. Or at least close to every room. They add character to a house. Along with very large Christmas trees that don't fit, but it only comes one time a year so you have to get a memorable tree. The same saying goes for apple cider, we never have any at our house because we always drink it all. But fall only comes once a year so I have to consume as much apple cider that I would throughout the year, in the few short months that apples are in season. My next favorite part about winter is the first snow. Come February, I'm pretty much tired of winter, even though thats when all the snow comes. The only downfall of winter is chlorine. Not many people like going from extreme to extreme to extreme. Its cold outside, warm on the pool deck, freezing in the pool. And you smell like chlorine forever. The people who think it smells good are just crazy. I've decided that once high school is over, so is swimming. I really never want to get in a pool again. I'm sure I will but never at 5:30 in the morning every day. But its almost winter. Close to my favorite time of the year. And time to stop dawdling and get back to my homework):

No One Understands

I'm falling apart. And I don't know what to do about it. It's as plain as that. I have trouble sleeping, thinking, I'm constantly dizzy, my shaking's gotten worse, and I'm getting tremendous headaches. I feel I should be excited for this swim season, and I got a glimmer of that on Saturday, but it was gone in a flash. I rarely get nervous or scared now because it pulls to much energy from me. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm seeing the worst side of me and it's becoming a constant image instead of a passing glimpse. I don't know how to say how I feel. It's bad.

Hodgepodge of Feelings: Take 2

So at about 12:30 last night I had the urge to write so I sat down and typed out all that was literally going through my head and I thought it saved but apparently it didn't. Nothing, nada, not one word of it saved. Maybe it's a sign from God that no one was to really know what I was thinking. Who knows? I mean I spent about a half hour typing it all for nothing. But it was definetly an eye opener yesterday. And I owe it all to some truthfully honest , critical...I guess you could call them guys...with the way they act sometimes you'd think otherwise. Sometimes it 's nice to have people think before they speak and just lay everything out for you to see, it makes the realization come quicker.