Tracks in the Snow

I love snow. It's so perfect and white, it shines and sparkles in the sun, and it covers the ground in a wonderful, angelic blanket. It covers the impurities and imperfections of this world, creating a world only seen by the truly lucky. I can't imagine a winter without being graced by the fluffy snowflakes that fall and "lay on my nose and eyelashes." As much as I know that I would get severe frostbite, snow gives me the biggest urge to just lay in it and watch it fall from the sky. I almost hate letting my dog outside because she gallivants around the yard, making tracks in the smooth landscape. But I cannot deny someone that excitement, not even a dog. Her eyes gleam in a youthful manner as they did all the time when she was a puppy. It gives me hope that she will never grow old and leave me.

High Expectations

I think I look at the good side of things too much. I get my hopes up too much. I thought that this semester was going to be easier...I hoped and prayed it was. Unfortunately things are not looking up. Two days in and I'm already tired, even though I'm being pumped full of supplements that are supposed to give me more energy and make me more awake. Exhaustion, bone-tired, physically shot-those all have new meanings to me. It's two days in!! I lack a certain will to push forward. People always joke that sleeping and eating are some of the things they always do, like a hobby. Not sleeping is my new hobby; number one on my list. What happened to hobbies being something you enjoyed? I think that concept has been thrown out the window and blown away by the wind. Why am I such an overachiever, why couldn't I be a mediocre student, less than average. Lazy, the real me, the one hiding deep inside, is the laziest creature you'll ever see. That's who I want to be.

A Sea of Wants

These past couple of days I feel like I just keep getting hit by the fact that I am not a very patient person. Like knock the wind out of you realization. I'm incredibly impatient for the future to come, and now. And its more the major things in life that I'm impatient with, not the standing in a long line for something and whatnot; that I can handle. It's like the milestones in life that I want to happen now. Actually I want to reach a certain stage in my life and then slow down. But I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too. I'm not sure what I'm looking for though and I'm not sure if it can or will ever happen.

Being on break has allowed me more time to think and realize that, wow...just wow. Where has the time gone, and what happened? And do I really want to miss this time of my life? What's in store for me? Will I reach my north star? I just want to be able to stand in the middle of the country with nothing surrounding me, in the dead of night, and look at the stars and know that it finally happened.

...at least I think...

I get it, at least I think I do. I've known for awhile, at least I think I have. I don't know what to do or say, at least I don't think I know. I don't know what to do next...or do I? The next question is...what?

My favorite thing about the winter is the fireplace. Not so much the getting the firewood and bringing it into the house, but when all is said and done and the fire is going, I love it. Especially at night. Its soothing to turn off the lights and watch the shadows move across the room. When I get older I want to build a house with a fireplace in every room. Or at least close to every room. They add character to a house. Along with very large Christmas trees that don't fit, but it only comes one time a year so you have to get a memorable tree. The same saying goes for apple cider, we never have any at our house because we always drink it all. But fall only comes once a year so I have to consume as much apple cider that I would throughout the year, in the few short months that apples are in season. My next favorite part about winter is the first snow. Come February, I'm pretty much tired of winter, even though thats when all the snow comes. The only downfall of winter is chlorine. Not many people like going from extreme to extreme to extreme. Its cold outside, warm on the pool deck, freezing in the pool. And you smell like chlorine forever. The people who think it smells good are just crazy. I've decided that once high school is over, so is swimming. I really never want to get in a pool again. I'm sure I will but never at 5:30 in the morning every day. But its almost winter. Close to my favorite time of the year. And time to stop dawdling and get back to my homework):

No One Understands

I'm falling apart. And I don't know what to do about it. It's as plain as that. I have trouble sleeping, thinking, I'm constantly dizzy, my shaking's gotten worse, and I'm getting tremendous headaches. I feel I should be excited for this swim season, and I got a glimmer of that on Saturday, but it was gone in a flash. I rarely get nervous or scared now because it pulls to much energy from me. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm seeing the worst side of me and it's becoming a constant image instead of a passing glimpse. I don't know how to say how I feel. It's bad.

Hodgepodge of Feelings: Take 2

So at about 12:30 last night I had the urge to write so I sat down and typed out all that was literally going through my head and I thought it saved but apparently it didn't. Nothing, nada, not one word of it saved. Maybe it's a sign from God that no one was to really know what I was thinking. Who knows? I mean I spent about a half hour typing it all for nothing. But it was definetly an eye opener yesterday. And I owe it all to some truthfully honest , critical...I guess you could call them guys...with the way they act sometimes you'd think otherwise. Sometimes it 's nice to have people think before they speak and just lay everything out for you to see, it makes the realization come quicker.

Dancing

You ever felt like dancing? But I've always wondered if it's right or wrong because the Bible says both. I can't help the urge and it's not like it's hurting anyone. It's just a way of expressing my feelings. Because I only truely feel like dancing when I completely happy. And I do know that when your having a bad day a short dance party can momentarily make you forget.(; So whats the harm? I actually think people should dance more because we're all too uptight, myself included. Mr. Kendall told us that people who sing are happier because it relaxes part of the brain or something, but I actually think poeple who dance more are normaly more happier and energetic and stuff. Hmm???

Wow its been a long time.

Why???

Why, when you're having a perfectly good day, can one small little thing bring you down? From then on its like "whats the point for even starting out good when it's just gonna end bad?" Have you ever had a whole day where everything went good? I just want one day like that. But it always seems that there has to be one bad thing that happens to ruin it. Those days all I can say is why? Why me? Why now? Why here? Why this? Why God, why? That's all I want to know, why???

Love

Two of my favorite songs right now are love songs. About happy endings and true love. I've always wondered if I'm going to live long enough to find that, maybe I'll die tomorrow or God will come again before I have time to find it. Does that mean I should change the way I think and see things, and what if I meet someone who was the person for me, but I don't see it or feel the connection so I just shrug it away? I mean I don't expect to find that person in high school but a lot could happen in two years before I get out. I could get in an accident and be mentally disabled for the rest of my life. It would be God's plan for me, its just hard to think about and understand because I see, feel, and hear love everyday and I feel like I will miss out on something important if I don't find it. And I def. think that this is harder for girls just because of how we are created and that we think about this way more than guys do so we tend to worry about it more. We always want the perfect guy and a best friend for life but there's only one guy out there like that whose meant for you. I'm afraid I won't meet him till I'm too old to have children and I think I'll need a lot of support from someone those years right after college trying to find a job and a home somewhere. By the grace of God I am making it through this horrible year by the skin of my teeth. Though I would feel bad dragging someone into this with me because I barely have time for me. Just something I think about when I hear those songs, something I'll need more patience than I have to comprehend.

Happiness

So having spirit week right after a horrible weekend is really the way to go. Its hilarious to come to school and see everyones outfit and stuff. And when you participate its even better! Having people stare at you in the hallway and know that its because you look stupid and not because of some other reason makes me smile. It makes coming to school more enjoyable, thats for sure. I love to dress up funky like that...except when you have a class with all guys and one girl and they all laugh at you when you walk in the door and then make fun of you the whole 90 minutes, thats not cool. But its because they know they could never dress up like that and have the courage to walk down the hallway, and they're just jealous of my super-coolness and how I rock the different category each day. Honestly I'd say this is my favorite week of the whole school year.

A Praise

This is the first night that I haven't had to come home and do history homework in a long long long time, so it's pretty amazing. That is my praise of the day. I didn't even put my history book in my bag to take home so there's zero chance of me doing it at all, even if I might have time. It's a good thing too, seeing as I didn't get home from cross country practice until 6:05. Though my evening will be spent studying for my Puritan Lit. test in English tomorrow. Isn't it weird, the past two English tests I never studied for and aced them, no problem. But my two history tests in which I study for and what not, I fail miserably. Which resulted in me having my first legit. "C" in any class, ever in my life. Even Pre-Algebra with Mrs. Searcy was worse and I still managed an "A" in her class. I guess its always time for firsts though, it's what makes the world go round. That and the hilarious stories I get from Mr. Shaver's class everyday. He makes up for the grueling hour and a half I spend with Mr. Granger. I don't know what I'm going to do next semester when I don't have him as a teacher, I'll have to visit him everyday. It'll be a sad sad day, the day we come back after Christmas Break and 3rd block will roll around and I'll be going somewhere else. ):

Buttons

What's the point of coming to school later when I can't even sleep in. I mean, yes I can, but if I didn't, that would go on the list of some of the worst things I've ever done because then I would have missed out on that opportunity to do all that homework. And I'm sick and tired of people asking me why I took the AP classes. Well you know what, its because I'm smart and your dumb and lazy so stop asking!!! Its more lazy than dumb but you get the jist. I've just had about every button pushed today that shouldn't have been. And the worst thing is, I can't even run. I don't know why I try and tell people things because sometimes it just makes things worse. Grrrrr life. And the sad thing is, these aren't even major problems in my life, I think I'm just losing my patience with people and things...mainly people, but whatever, I'm just disappointed in myself right now.

If I Got a Dime Everytime I Did Something I Didn't Want To Do, I'd Be a Millionaire, Maybe Even a Billionaire.

I don't think I've ever been this tired in my life. After my meet today I came home and took a nap and my mom tried to wake me up but I was so exhausted I couldn't open my eyes. All I could do was moan and roll over. And it hurts to walk, Mr. Kendall thinks I strained something, I woke 7 minutes before I had to leave this morning to catch the bus (which was leaving at 6:25 so I didn't get much sleep and 2 nights ago I only got four hours of sleep and I could have used waaaay more last night to make up for the other night). Actually, theres like this dull throbbing pain in my leg right now. I just wish today would be over with because it started out bad and hasn't begun to get better. And I've decided that I'm a very sarcastic, negative person who complains a lot, especially when I'm running. I just want to go back to bed and sleep till tomorrow morning. ):

Changing Seasons

I'm sitting on the fence about the upcoming season. I'm mean, I love fall because the weather gets a little cooler and I like to wear jeans and sweatshirts, and I LOVE my letter jacket and wearing it at football games especially this year since I've finally got some patches to put on in. But then comes winter.and I know I'll miss summer, the warm nights where you can leave your window open and listen to the noises outside. And the days get shorter): I don't like getting up AND arriving back at home when its dark because thats pretty much how my day runs. And when swimming comes, I'm always inside and thats no fun. I've always told Mr. Shaver that if they did the smart thing and let the swim team design the new pool that ours would have a sweet action top that opens up like the Lucas Oil Stadium and it would also include heated toilet seats and floors and a glass bottom pool with an aquarium underneath. Haven't quite figured out how they would feed the fish and stuff but it would happen. And I can't forget the underwater sound system because it gets really boring sometimes when you have nothing to listen to but your own head. I've actually thought about what the whole nat. would look like during many many swim practices because I have had nothing else to think about. But I guarantee that it would probably be the best swimming pool in the United Sates because I've spent like the past 4 years of my life mapping out how it would look during all my swim practices. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the cold weather but I know about half way through swim season I'll miss the warm weather terribly and long for the warmer days the track season brings. I wish we could have fall and then about a two months of complete snow, not just stupid old cold weather but snow, and then go back to fall for a couple of months then to spring and then summer. Because I love snow but when the days are cold and dreary it makes me sad. Oh well, I just know that come January, I'll be wishing those June days back.

I think I've Got It

I think I've finally got it under control; this whole homework thing. Maybe this weekend was just an unusually homework free weekend, I don't know, but I feel less stressed about it. I've found the middle ground where I can get my homework done and not spend all night doing it and still have time to do other things. Maybe I've just made room for them and am caring less if I get my homework done or not, I don't know. But, maybe, just maybe, I've got it under control.

The Moments That I Cherish Most

The moments I cherish most are the moments right before sleep,
when the world is calm and quiet and you can finally feel at peace .
The moments when you win a race,
when you know that your best was finally enough and the thought of it brings chills to your body.
The moments when running is all you can do to fix the problem,
when the repeated beat of your feet hitting the ground is the only thing you want to hear.
The moments when the sun sets,
when you wonder how in the world such colors even existed.
The moments when the stars come out,
when you wonder why in the world watching them stopped being something you did for fun.
The moments when you spend time with people you love,
when those moments last you a lifetime and get you through the moments you wish to forget.
The moments when you know someone cares,
when you know because they took the time to even ask.
The moments when you get that look,
when that look is more than words could ever be.
The moment, the moment that you cherish forever,
when its something only you and God could and shall ever know.
These moments are the moments I cherish the most.

Wow

I feel the need to write a poem, but unfortuanely I don't have the time. Maybe I'll think up one tomorrow. To bad I don't have Granger tomorrow or I would totally write one up in his class but I've got an English test tomorrow, yikes! Though I may have to pause the studying to write one because I just feel the need to write one. I haven't written one in a looong time. ): But no more! I shall write a poem! Soon...maybe...

Days Long Gone

The nagging feeling inside is growing worse. Sometimes I feel like the people I pass in the hallway can see it and they turn away because they don't want to have to deal with my pain. Things that used to be aren't anymore and relationships that I dearly wanted to flourish have smoldered into a heap of cold coals. I see the pain on there face as I pass them in the hallway as well. The one moment that our eyes may meet I can see the old person I used to know. Though we may say "hey" and be on our way, behind it we both know what used to be and is no longer. The sad thing is I don't even know how things turned out the way they did. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around, isn't the guy not supposed to know what happened while the girl knows but won't tell? Truth is I don't know if he even knows, but he should because he's the reason things are the way they are. I remember every detail, and every conversation. And the thing is, I didn't want to be more than friends, and I don't think he did either, so why things are the way they are is a mystery. Some things people could just pull out of you, and he had that effect on me. I just wish things could be as they were, and yet as they are now. If only the two could mix, but in a way, my life is much simpler now without that person in my life. In a way, I guess God answered my prayer, but this is not the way I expected it to be answered. Though this is only a small sliver of my nagging, its still there, and when will it be gone?